FOUR FOR FRIDAY 4: Relationships

1. Non-Violent Communication & Safety

This topic feels so essential that I felt compelled to address it first. Safety, as emphasized by Deb Dana in her book Anchored, stands as the cornerstone of any relationship. Without safety, there is no relationship or a compromised one at that. Dana extensively explores this concept, suggesting that simply keeping this word in mind can significantly enhance any relationship. Reflecting on this single aspect in interactions with friends, family, partners, or loved ones can undoubtedly foster better connections. If you're eager to take concrete steps toward improvement, I recommend delving into Dana's and Porges work on Polyvagal Theory, as well as Marshall Rosenberg's insights on Nonviolent Communication. Nonviolent communication offers practical methods for enhancing conversations and creating supportive spaces for others. Rosenberg articulates these steps beautifully in his book "NVC."

2. “Do it now.”

One of our group members shared a powerful insight during a recent session, and it's resonated deeply with me since. They mentioned a simple yet impactful habit they've adopted to maintain closeness with the people in their life: reaching out immediately when they think of someone. Instead of waiting for the perfect moment or circumstance, they act on the impulse to connect with someone in the present moment. This inspired me to integrate the same approach into my own life.

While it's not foolproof, and there are times when I fall short, keeping this mindset has significantly increased the frequency with which I reach out to others. Ironically, I find it effortless to keep to myself, often avoiding texting others and occasionally isolating myself. What's more challenging is initiating contact with the people I've formed bonds with. Despite this, I've made an effort to reach out when someone crosses my mind or a cherished memory resurfaces in part because of the point mentioned above. Whether these interactions evolve into profound conversations, spontaneous hangouts or nothing at all, this practice has challenged me, deepened my relationships and fostered stronger connections with others.

3. “What does this person bring out in you?”

I remember sitting in a graduate school course when one of our professors mentioned, “Typically, an individual joins a relationship because of what the other person brings out in them. This often tends to be a quality we have not yet mastered and want to learn from them. We come together to learn from each other. Once the learning is no longer there, the relationship is no longer there.” 

I find some validity in this statement. In addition to learning, I believe respect, enthusiasm, intimacy, reverence, and continued commitment towards a common good are pivotal in relationships. The question, “what does this person bring out in you”, encourages reflection on this dynamic. 

Consider whether these tendencies are virtuous or dissolute. Do you enjoy who this person encourages you to become, or the opposite? Reflect honestly on these questions. In my belief, it’s only when we’re honest with ourselves about difficult questions that we can create choice and begin to take care of ourselves on a profound level.

4. Meeting Points 

In a relationship, I’ve seen and experienced that individuals often forget it is not just about themselves but about both partners. I’ve fallen victim to this as well. It's easy to overlook that we are in communion with someone from a different background, upbringing, set of morals, beliefs, and ideas. I often hear, “If she would just...” In my opinion, if these words are coming out of your mouth, it's time to reevaluate.

It’s taken time for me to realize this, but a relationship is made up of two individuals, yourself and the other person. No one person is always right; what’s “right” is where you two decide to meet, often finding a new resolve together. Being in a relationship means making joint decisions and creating new ones collectively. Sometimes you may need to move closer to them, and other times they may need to move closer to you. 

What doesn’t change is your commitment to finding a solution that aligns with both of you on an individual level and staying true to yourself while forming decisions together. Remember, this is what you signed up for. This is intimacy. If you prefer things to always go your way and believe that only the other person needs to change, there’s a good chance you are not ready for this relationship.