FOUR FOR FRIDAY 14: RELATIONSHIPS
"If you do not change direction, you may end up where you’re heading."
-Lao Tzu
Hello everyone! I’m just returning from my trip to India and am excited to begin seeing you all again. I hope your summer is wrapping up well. Here is a FOUR FOR, with a focus on the relational realm. See you soon!
1. “Using Everything As Meditation.”
If there was one thing I learned while being in India, it was that yoga in the traditional sense of asanas (postures) is just one aspect of the word. In totality, yoga is meditation. A way of living, a way of relating, a way of being in this world. It reminded me in every moment to attune to my experience. Was I pushing too hard in certain moments? Was I holding back in others? How to find that dynamic line of what was necessary in the moment, attuning to my experience and becoming what was needed. I began thinking about this in my relationship as well. How can I use this same way of being in relation to my partner? Whether that be in intimacy, conversation, or relating. How can I notice the energy that’s needed and become it when necessary? I encourage you to think on this and see if you can implement attuned awareness into your relationship. It requires meditation, slowness, attunement, and presence. All things many men I know wish to exude.
2. The Third Party
One thing I’ve learned from authors in this area is the general idea of a “couple bubble,” as coined by Stan Tatkin or referred to by others. The idea is that there is a third entity that exists between two individuals in a relationship that needs nurturing and caretaking. In Conversations with God by Neale Donald Walsch, he goes so far as to say that this becomes an entity, metaphysical until its physical representation is created, thus a baby is born. Even without, or in other relationships, there is a third party that needs tending to. If you’re asking me, it seems almost most important. The third entity consists of the self, the other in the relationship, and the health of the thing that exists between us. Think about this for a moment. How are you tending to the space between you and your partner in a relationship? What is the health of this? What does this need? Much like a baby on its own, what’s needed to bring this back to health?
3. Putting It All Out In The Open
Something I’ve learned intrapersonally that helps me is to create objective measures and look at myself. This might include putting my schedule out in front of me on paper at a glance to objectively imagine how one might feel if they were living this life. Almost as if I’m reading a character out of a book, separating my consciousness from what I’m reading and looking at it at face value. With that, I believe objective measures can be helpful when you’re looking to get real about something and then implement changes if necessary.
I encourage you to do this within your relationship as well. Objectively sit down with your partner and write out all that you feel you do within the relationship. This can be chores, paying for meals, excursions, etc. Be specific here. In addition to this, make a note upfront that this is not meant to be personally attacking to either, just trying to find clarity as to where time, energy, and money are going between the both of you. Once you have this all on a list, objectively weigh out how the relationship looks on paper and if that is something that makes the both of you comfortable. If not, again working together and tending to your couple bubble, as mentioned above, what does the health of this relationship need to bring it back to health and fulfillment?
4. Rituals
What rituals do you and your partner have together? The same way you may have morning routines, night routines, daily routines, etc., I encourage you and your partner to begin developing relational rituals as well, and make them known. Do you two wake up together? Do you go to bed at the same time? What can you add in to make this time special between the two of you? What about a recap at the end of every night of what you loved, what challenged you, and what you’d like to continue working on? Maybe something you’re looking forward to the next day and something that you enjoyed today? Maybe five things you’re grateful for together as soon as you wake up in the morning?
Not able to get on the same schedule? I challenge you to find at least one ritual you and your partner are able to do together more often than not. I believe this can lead to unison, security, and parallel growth. Have fun with this, try things out, and come up with things together to see what can work for the both of you.
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