FOUR FOR FRIDAY 29: RELATIONSHIPS
"Desire resists confinement, and commitment mustn't swallow freedom whole.”
–Esther Perel
1. Who: Esther Perel
Haven’t heard about her? Esther Perel is a Belgian-born psychotherapist, author, and one of the world’s leading voices on relationships, intimacy, and sexuality. She is best known for her work exploring the complexities of modern relationships, particularly the tension between love and desire. Perel's groundbreaking books, Mating in Captivity (2006) and The State of Affairs (2017), delve into how to maintain passion and intimacy in long-term relationships and how to navigate infidelity. She is also the host of the popular podcast Where Should We Begin?, where she offers intimate glimpses into real couples' therapy sessions. Perel's work has earned her a global following, as she encourages open, honest conversations about love, sex, and emotional connection, and challenges conventional thinking around relationships.
2. EFT
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, is a research-based therapeutic approach designed to help couples strengthen their emotional bonds and resolve conflicts. EFT is grounded in attachment theory and focuses on the idea that emotional connection is the key to a healthy, resilient relationship. The therapy helps partners identify and express their vulnerable emotions, fostering empathy and deeper understanding. It emphasizes creating secure emotional bonds, breaking negative patterns of interaction, and enhancing communication.
Key tenets of EFT include the recognition of the emotional needs underlying conflict, creating safe emotional spaces for partners to express their feelings, and helping couples reframe their interactions to build emotional closeness. The take-home message for partners is to focus on emotional responsiveness—rather than blaming or withdrawing during conflicts—and to work together to meet each other's attachment needs, ultimately strengthening the relationship by cultivating trust, empathy, and connection.
Some Immediate Tools To Implement:
Pause and Take a Break During Conflict: When a conflict escalates, it's important for couples to recognize when they're getting overwhelmed. EFT teaches couples to take a brief pause and return to the conversation once both partners have calmed down. During this pause, partners can practice self-regulation techniques, like deep breathing or taking a walk, before re-engaging with the intention of listening and understanding each other.
Reframe Negative Patterns: EFT encourages couples to identify destructive cycles, like "pursuer-distancer" patterns, where one partner demands connection while the other withdraws. Couples can practice acknowledging these cycles and consciously work together to break them. For example, if one partner feels overwhelmed and retreats, the other can respond with compassion and offer space rather than pushing for engagement, while also reassuring that they are available when ready.
Use Soft Start-ups in Conversations: One key practice in EFT is to avoid starting conversations with criticism or blame. Couples can practice using "soft start-ups" when discussing sensitive topics, such as saying, "I’ve been feeling hurt and would love to talk about it," instead of "You never listen to me!" This helps reduce defensiveness and opens the door for a more empathetic exchange.
Express Appreciation Regularly: EFT emphasizes the importance of positive reinforcement in maintaining emotional bonds. Couples can practice offering daily expressions of appreciation for each other—whether it's acknowledging acts of kindness, affirming qualities they love about one another, or simply saying "thank you" for small gestures. This reinforces emotional security and helps partners feel valued.
Be Attuned to Each Other’s Needs: EFT stresses the importance of emotional attunement—being in tune with each other’s feelings and needs. Couples can practice checking in with each other regularly about their emotional states, asking questions like, "How are you feeling today?" or "What do you need from me right now?" This helps ensure that both partners are aware of and responsive to each other’s emotional needs.
Create Rituals of Connection: Partners can create small, consistent rituals that help them reconnect and strengthen their emotional bond. This might include saying "I love you" before leaving for work, having a regular date night, or ending each day by sharing something they appreciate about each other. These rituals can serve as anchors for maintaining closeness in busy or stressful times.
Practice Reflective Listening: Couples can practice active and reflective listening by repeating back what their partner says in their own words. For instance, if one partner says, "I feel like you're not paying attention to me," the other might respond, "It sounds like you're feeling neglected or unimportant when I don’t give you my full attention. Is that right?" This helps ensure that both partners feel heard and understood.
Sue Johnson's Books:
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (2008) – A key resource for couples looking to improve their emotional connection.
Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships (2013) – Explores the science behind love and attachment and its application in relationships.
3. Date Nights / Date Night Games
I’ve found these to be incredibly helpful—not just the date nights activities, but also ‘gamifying’ our relationship. As westerners, I think that many of us can tend to focus heavily on productivity, but sometimes we struggle to embrace the relational side of being—where there’s no agenda and we can just go with the flow and live in the present. Date night games have really helped my partner and I bring spontaneity, fun, mystery, and a sense of deeper connection into our relationship, all without any pressure or agenda (outside of setting the date). I highly encourage you to find a date night/ date night game that works for you and your partner. There are plenty available online or at local stores. Some others can be found here.
4. Key Concept: Magnetism
I often recall a key concept from Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus—magnetism and polarity. In the book, John Gray explores how the inherent differences between men and women ( masculine and feminine energy) create attraction. The masculine tends to be solution-oriented, independent, and focused on providing- qualities associated with Mars. The feminine, on the other hand, are nurturing, relational, and seek emotional connection, qualities associated with Venus. These differences create a natural "magnetic" pull that fosters attraction and emotional bonding. Gray emphasizes that understanding and embracing these differences, rather than trying to change each other, helps maintain passion and excitement in a relationship. When these differences are misunderstood or ignored, however, attraction can fade, and the relationship may struggle. The key, Gray argues, is respecting each other's unique qualities and needs, allowing the natural polarity to thrive.
How can we leverage this in our relationships? I often find that one partner wants to change the other to be more like them. This raises the question of how we can begin accepting our partner for who they are, in order to embrace the polarity that simultaneously arouses us and attracts us. Gray mentions that it is this polarity which drives spark, excitement, attraction, and vigor in relationships.
Disclaimer: These tools are simply options, and what works for one person may not work for everyone. I neither encourage nor discourage their use. Ultimately, the decision of how to use this information rests with you. The information provided regarding the use of supplements is for educational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice. It is crucial to consult with a qualified healthcare professional before starting any new supplement regimen, particularly if you have pre-existing medical conditions, are pregnant or nursing, or are taking medications. Supplements have the potential to interact with medications or cause adverse effects in certain individuals. Furthermore, the efficacy and safety of supplements can vary based on factors such as dosage, formulation, and individual response. Supplements should be approached with caution and should not be viewed as a substitute for proper medical diagnosis, treatment, or management of health conditions. Statements regarding specific supplements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Always adhere to the instructions provided by the manufacturer and consult a healthcare professional if you have any questions or concerns.
