FOUR FOR FRIDAY 8: RELATIONSHIPS
“Are you the adult that you want your child to grow up and be?”
-Brené Brown
FOURM- The quote above, from Brené Brown's book Daring Greatly, deeply resonated with me and influenced my recent decisions. This week, we're delving into relationships and sharing tools and tips I've gathered. Feel free to reach out with any questions or insights. Cheers!
1. “Official”
This is a tool my partner and I recently started using and it's been going great. Official is a relationship app that uses games, cues, reminders, and notifications to help partners connect and learn about each other. We've particularly enjoyed the quizzes, which teach us how much we really do/ don’t know about one another. LOL. This app also offers tools for intimacy, co-journaling, reflections, and future planning. We’ve enjoyed answering the daily questions then coming back to discuss them later. Whether you and your partner are living together or at a distance, I believe this can be a fun way to enhance your relationship and deepen your connection.
2. “Arena Time”
One tool recommended by colleagues, and one I’ve personally used, is called Arena Time. While the name isn’t crucial and can be changed to suit your preference, the concept remains the same: setting aside dedicated time for you and your partner to reflect on the past week as a couple. Arena Time involves a structured conversation to go over the health of your relationship from the previous week. Here are some ideas I’ve found that can help make it effective:
Set Structure for the Conversation: Determine the maximum length of the conversation and make sure to split it equally so both partners have equal time to speak.
Speaking Rules: When one partner is talking, the other should only ask clarifying questions until the speaker finishes. Then switch roles. I’ve found that using an object to signify who’s speaking and who’s listening can help.
“Wins, Woes, and Work-ons”:
Wins: Share everything you appreciated in your relationship over the past week. Highlight the small things that made you feel seen and appreciated, as well as any successful ways you handled situations together.
Woes: Address the challenging aspects of your relationship and why they were difficult. I encourage you to avoid judging or blaming your partner and instead to focus on how the specific situations made you feel and why. Consider what needs aren’t being met and what past wounds might be resurfacing. Research shows that clarifying your specific feelings to a situation, and suggesting potential remedies can help foster empathy rather than hostility.
Work-ons: Discuss what you are personally working on to handle issues better in the future and suggest what your partner could do differently to help.
3. “Repeating back before commenting”
I think we can all agree that many, if not most, conflicts arise from miscommunication. With that, the idea of “repeating/paraphrasing before commenting” can significantly enhance mutual understanding. This practice, while simple, can be challenging to remember in stressful moments. I encourage you to practice it when you are calm and composed, whether with your partner, friends, or anyone you encounter throughout your day.
Ex: before commenting, take a moment to repeat back what you’ve heard the other person say. For example, you might say, “So, what it sounds like you’re saying is ____?” Your partner, friend, or colleague can then confirm with “Yes, exactly!” Or, “No, I’m saying is this ___.”
This technique allows the speaker to feel truly heard and provides you with an opportunity to practice active listening. Research highlights that voice, attention, empathy, respect, and common ground are crucial for feeling heard. Additionally, Brené Brown and Jack Kornfield emphasize the importance of “listening with your body” and suggest “letting your facial expressions reflect what’s in your heart”. With that, I encourage you to demonstrate your full presence in your next conversation with tools such as paraphrasing and body language. Notice how this feels.
4. Grace
How often do you catch yourself thinking, “This person is doing this to me,” instead of, “They are doing their best to protect themselves and stay safe”? In the book Anchored by Deb Dana, she emphasizes that “individuals are always trying to regulate and protect themselves based on their past experiences. This behavior is more about them than it is about you”.
The word “grace” has been resonating with me a lot as of late. At times, I can find myself in the headspace of “this is being done to me” rather than “this is being done for me”. For me to grow, for me to challenge myself in speaking up, and for me to reflect on my own feelings.
The next time you think, “How could they…,” take a moment to actually answer this question. What might they have experienced to be acting this way? Can you empathize with them? Have you or someone you loved gone through something similar? What did you need in those moments, and what might they need now?
Remember, understanding soothes and softens. Softening the body creates feelings of safety. Safety allows for higher-level thinking, such as planning, creativity, and problem-solving. Problem-solving leads to… You know the rest. In contrast, lack of safety leads to shut down because we enter a survival mode governed by our primal instincts—fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or flop (see The Body Keeps the Score).
For meaningful changes in communication, both you AND your partner need to feel safe, seen, and heard.
Disclaimer: These tools are simply options, and what works for one person may not work for everyone. I neither encourage nor discourage their use. Ultimately, the decision of how to use this information rests with you. The information provided regarding the use of supplements is for educational purposes only and should not be construed as medical advice. It is crucial to consult with a qualified healthcare professional before starting any new supplement regimen, particularly if you have pre-existing medical conditions, are pregnant or nursing, or are taking medications. Supplements have the potential to interact with medications or cause adverse effects in certain individuals. Furthermore, the efficacy and safety of supplements can vary based on factors such as dosage, formulation, and individual response. Supplements should be approached with caution and should not be viewed as a substitute for proper medical diagnosis, treatment, or management of health conditions. Statements regarding specific supplements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration and are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Always adhere to the instructions provided by the manufacturer and consult a healthcare professional if you have any questions or concerns.
